Seeing as how it is Tuesday I thought that I would post a few jokes, just to make everyone miserable !!

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks, "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:
"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

63 immigrants seriously hurt in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA.

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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

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Police stop an immigrant in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says, "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"

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A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has had no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room. Naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, “but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the f***kin' room I can get!"

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Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
”Ooh!” said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks,” said Paddy.

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Just got barred from B & Q.
Some guy in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.
Lucky for me, I got the first punch in.

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Man walks into a shop in Australia.
Man: "I bought this second-hand boomerang yesterday, and it does not work. You clearly said 'It always returns' ".
Shopkeeper pauses, looks at the boomerang, then at the man, and says: "......well?"

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I know this is controversial but I just have to stand up and be counted.
Been on the fence about this but there’s been a lot of debate about anti-Vaxxers in the news lately.
I am now coming forward to stand up and say I’m firmly in the anti-Vax camp. And I know most will be rolling their eyes at this now.
I have my reasons, like many anti-Vaxxers, but it’s important that everyone approaches this sensitive topic armed with the information THEY know to be true.
I know my truth and I have first-hand experience that backs up my stance.
I had a Vax once and it was the noisiest, worst vacuum cleaner ever. I will never buy one again. All these armchair experts have clearly never experienced the disappointment of having to go over the same piece of carpet again and again to pick up the same piece of fluff
I am firmly in the Dyson camp, and I will not be told otherwise…

I just don't like that numpty Riland either, I wish that they would take him off the TV.

Pierre3.

🤣🤣🤣

Who is Riland????

That really annoying dickhead that does the Cinch adverts......

So glad I not the only one who can’t stand that twat..

Thank heavens for your posts, I was beginning to think that I was the only one one who hates him 😆.

Pierre3.

Ah yes your not wrong there now I know who you mean!

Is he the guy with the bleached teeth?

Most annoying guy on tv is the welsh opera singer who does the "go compare" ad. Who speaks welsh on here? What is welsh for twat?

I think that it could be "twat" 😂 !!!

Pierre3.

If you think he's bad, well, my grandson goes to school in Scotland and they have to do all their spellings in phonics - that is pronouncing the letters as they sound.

When I asked him to spell some words it sounded like he was speaking a foreign language !!! In a couple of years I won't be able to understand him so he should then be able to do a "Go Compare " ad for TV.

Pierre3.

A mate is a professional musician and the Go Compare bloke was at my mates 50th birthday party. I real life he's actually a really nice guy and, presumably a really nice rich guy with money he's getting from those ads. My mate did the backing track for a TV advert and got a cheque in the post every time it was shown on TV.

It's kind of interesting to see all the people who get a cut of the revenue from things like TV adverts. It probably explains why it costs thousands for a 10 second spot on telly.

I don't know how many people get a few shillings from a record played on the radio but the singer and the songwriter certainly do. At least, up until the record is 25 years old, after that I think that anyone is free to use the music for nothing. Not sure, but I think so, and it explains why a lot of 60's and 70's music gets used in product adverts.

I was going to write a song once but ............................................

Pierre3.