I've seen it on a good few forums and it seems to work well.....

A bit of fun eh!!

I'll start...................................

1

After a few beers last night I staggered home feeling horny:

"How long have you been in?" asked the wife.

"About 5 minutes" I said.

"Why didn't you wake me?" she moaned.

I said, "because you'd have said no."

2

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his £2 back....

On a C130 (Hercules, Fat Albert) aircraft mission to Khandahar, Afghanistan, an Intel officer asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the aircraft Captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the co-pilot and asked, "Well Flight Lieutenant, what is your job?"
He replied, "Ma'am, I am the aircraft Captains sexual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The aircraft Captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask for it."

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably lying under his Range rover with a spanner in his hand again."

a pessimist sees a dark tunnel
an optimist sees a light at the end off the tunnel
a realist sees a freight train
the driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks

apparently it is legal to eat roadkill in australia now but they don't explain what to do with the pushbike.

Medical experts were asked if it is time to ease the lockdown.
Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands off the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes.

wife says to hubby
do you know a bull can have sex 3000 times a year
husband to wife
go and ask the bull if it was with the same old cantankerous cow .

two lesbians go to a dietary conference the speaker talks about nutritional foods and states that you are what you eat , one of the lesbians jumps to her feet and said , you calling me a c..... ( a piece of a woman's anatomy)

There are 10 kinds of people. Those that understand binary and those that do not.

Donald Trump

With Boris Johnson a close second......

On a non-contentious note and also clean.....

A baby octopus sits on the ocean floor feeling really rough and keeps throwing up. Along comes a friendly dolphin and asks him what's the matter, "Dunno, maybe it was something I ate" replies the octopus. "I know what you need" says the dolphin, "you need a change of water, hop onto my back and you can come with me". So the baby octopus hops on the dolphin's back and off they go. The octopus still isn't feeling too good when they run into a shoal of Mackerel. "What's with the baby octopus?" says the head Mackerel. "Oh, he's not feeling too good so I'm taking him out to give him a change of water" and they swim off. They carry on and bump into a whale. "What's with the baby octopus"? says the whale. "Oh, he's not feeling too good so I'm taking him out to give him a change of water" and they swim off. A little later, the baby octopus is beginning to feel a bit better but still not good and they bump into a basking shark. "How's it going?" says the shark. "Not bad" says the dolphin "but I've got that sick squid I owe you".......